


arcane laws on broadband services - an essay for politics 3104

by Anonymous



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: College AU, M/M, cam show boys, felix does not do people well, help i think the guy i'm doing a project with might be kind of hot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:06:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24851278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: For FE3H kink memeSylvain swears he's seen that too-nice-to-be-real Boy Scout (who is clearly just a snobbish prep because no one can be that nice and friendly) in Felix's class. Felix thinks he's full of it.Until Sylvain declares that guy's the same guy as in Felix's weekly porn-watching stream (that Felix definitely isn't watching).Felix just Can't Deal, especially when Dimitri's his partner on the final project.
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Felix Hugo Fraldarius
Comments: 67
Kudos: 258
Collections: Anonymous, FE3H Kink Meme





	1. lesson one - avoid dining halls

Felix was not having a good day.

It was better to say he was not having a good week. The hot water heater at his apartment complex was on the fritz (again), his father was planning a visit (with his new _girlfriend_ ), the green-haired young woman had been working at the dining hall this week which meant Felix’s usual fish tacos were a strange shade of purple (was that even _chicken_? Felix was certain chicken didn’t wiggle), Sylvain’s on and off again hookup was on (and by on, Felix meant on the couch, and on the shower, and possibly on the kitchen table and _definitely_ on the dryer), and then there was his Politics 3104 class.

His goddess-damned Politics 3104 class.

Where he’d been assigned a _partner_.

For their final project.

That was going to count for one-third of their entire grade.

“Felix, isn’t it? It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

 _That_ partner.

Felix glowered balefully at Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd. Who had extended a hand – formally!! – to introduce himself. 

He even had a perfect grip for handshakes.

“When is it convenient for us to meet? Do you have a preference?”

“Just let me handle the project. You can go off and do whatever.”

Dimitri’s lips turned downwards, very briefly. A _pout_ , of all things, and Felix seethed internally. What kind of full-grown man pouted? “It is our project. Collectively. Surely I can assist somehow?”

Felix did not work well with other people. He never had. “Do whatever you want then.”

“Let’s meet up in the library Sunday night. Is seven acceptable?”

At least he hadn’t said coffee shop. Felix might have decked him. “Fine.”

“Dimitri? Haven’t met him.” Sylvain sprawled all over the sofa, and Felix was fairly certain he was breaking at least a few laws of anatomy with how his limbs were bent. “Ingrid has nothing but nice things to say about him though.”

“He’s an asshole.” Felix replied sourly.

“You think everyone’s an asshole. Because you’re kind of a dick.”

Felix sniffed haughtily. It wasn’t his fault he thought most of the students at their university were just there because of a generous “donation” from their parents. But Dimitri – Dimitri was a special kind of horrid.

He wore hoodies all the time, for one. And fitted jeans and sandals. The plastic, preppy kind. And he smiled, and acted charming in the most pathetic, people-pleasing way imaginable.

Only serial killers and politicians smiled and oozed charm that much. Or serial killer politicians, which given the name Blaiddyd, Dimitri could well be. Felix’s father used to work with a Blaiddyd, before he’d moved to the other side of the country. And Felix’s father did not work with good people.

“If you need a wingman though, I’m available on Sunday. If you don’t think you can play nice with a stranger.” Sylvain looked up at him, only one eye open. “But I think you should give him a shot. He might be a good guy. Or not. Definitely gets good grades though.”

Felix could make his own grades perfectly well. Felix didn’t come to Garreg Mach to party. Or make friends. He came to get his degree and get the hell out of there.

“Hey.”

“What?”

“It’s nine.”

Felix flushed. “So?”

“So,” Sylvain drawled as he rolled onto his side, fixing Felix with a wicked grin. “It’s _nine_. On Friday.”

“So what.” Felix grit his teeth and tried to look normal. “I’m leaving. Clean the couch.”

“It _is_ clean Felix! We did it on the - !’

Felix locked himself in his room.

Friday night at nine was sacred. Nothing but Sothis herself could drag Felix out of his room on Friday night. Sylvain had tried, once, and nearly had a broken arm. Annette had brought him his favorite record and Felix had pretended he was dying. Mercedes had given a performance and Felix had cheered her on – virtually.

Friday night was showtime.

His monitor was fuzzy, but the resolution was good enough. Felix could see blue drapes in the background, and the entire place looked dark and otherworldly. The star, prompt as always, drifted into the scene.

Like always, the man wore a thin, porcelain mask of a lion’s face that covered his eyes and most of his nose. It was a little tacky, but well, Felix could understand the need for anonymity. _Performance art_ , or something. His dark brown hair was tucked behind his ears, shiny and well-groomed.

His skin glistened – Felix wasn’t sure if he worked out before the show started or if there was another reason. But he looked good, and gleaming, and that finely-toned ass was illegal in at least twelve states. (Maybe eighteen. Felix was _not_ going to waste his time checking ass rules state by state.)

“Good evening.” The host purred in a low, masculine rumble. “I hope everyone is ready for the weekend?” He moved closer to the camera and settled into a chair. He spread his legs, exposing his dick and balls. “What do you want tonight?”

Sometimes he slid a toy in and out, lazy little things. Sometimes he sucked his lips around a dildo, making the most indecent sounds. Occasionally, there were popsicles and Felix watched, half-drooling, as those pouty lips licked red juice like it was the most delicious thing in the universe.

Tonight, it was a little more settled. “Blue Lion,” as he was known by his handle, slid his too-long fingers along his stomach, teasing, then down to his monstrously large cock. (That was illegal in upwards of twenty-five states, according to some arcane laws that Felix did _not_ care about.)

“I wish these were your hands.” Blue Lion said smoothly, running his thumb all along the skin. And the stupid thing was, he sounded like he _meant_ it. Like the thousands of onlookers were all personally invited to indulge in using his body for their pleasure. “You would feel so good against me.”

Obediently, Felix leaned down to touch himself. No matter how cold it was in his room, it was hot on Friday night.

Blue Lion made the most delicious, amazing moans. He hummed, whispered sweet nothings about how amazing they were. He told them how pretty their cocks were, and how he longed to taste each and every one of them.

Felix felt all the stress ebb out of him as he came to his host’s pleasant moans. In front of him, the masked man was already covering his stomach in sticky white.

“Ready for round two?” The Blue Lion asked, smiling warmly.

Felix turned the speakers up.


	2. lesson two - be specific about meeting locations

Sunday arrived too quickly.

“You don’t have to come with me.” Felix said, stuffing his hands into his jacket pockets. “I don’t need a wingman.” It was a nice enough night to walk to the expansive library on campus, and most students had already settled inside their dorms to prepare for Monday morning. Those that were out tended to be quiet and unobtrusive.

Felix liked campus like this.

“Believe it or not, I have business at the library too. Hopefully my favorite author will let me read her newest chapter. She comes to the library on Sunday.” Sylvain paused, looking thoughtful. “Actually, Sunday’s the _only_ day she comes out.”

Felix tried to untangle if that was some sort of sex thing. With Sylvain, there was usually a sex thing involved.

“The part with the astronauts landing on that planet full of plant aliens was really cool. I want to know how they get out of it.”

Definitely a sex thing, Felix decided.

“So where did you say you were going to meet him?”

“The library.”

“ _Where_ in the library?” 

Felix hesitated.

Beside him, Sylvain made a low, pained groan. “Felix, it’s a _huge_ library.”

“I know that.” Felix hadn’t seen all of it yet himself.

“And you didn’t tell the guy who’s supposed to help you with your final project where to meet you?”

It wasn’t like _Felix_ wanted to meet him anyway.

“Just text him. See if you can pin down where you’re supposed to go.” Sylvain reasoned.

“I didn’t give him my number.”

“Of course you didn’t.” Sylvain sighed morosely. “Leave it to Felix to be the _worst_ partner in the entire college. It’s okay to make friends once in a while.”

Felix bristled. “I have friends.”

“New friends. Maybe even a boyfr - _ow_. Felix!”

“You deserved that.” Felix had never made it a point to talk about his sexuality. It was no one else’s business, and it was completely irrelevant anyway. The two times Felix had dated had ended up in (literal) flames. That was enough of a sign that he was better off as a permanent bachelor with a few fantasies here and there. Safe fantasies, about pretty popsicle-lickers on the other side of a computer screen.

Maybe he could go home. Call the whole thing off until Monday, and fumble through a half-assed apology and get Dimitri to do something _else_.

Except by that point it was too late. His classmate was waiting right at the top of the steps, stuffed in yet another oversized hoodie, and he had a messenger bag slung over one shoulder. A _leather_ messenger bag.

“Oh.” Dimitri smiled warmly and waved. “I was concerned I would be late.”

“We’re five minutes early.” Felix muttered in response. But of course the Boy Scout would be prompt, if not disgustingly early.

“Hey.” Sylvain stepped in. “So you’re Dimitri, huh? Nice to meet you.” He extended his hand. “Sylvain.”

“I am. It is a pleasure to meet you. Yo - oh - you are Ingrid’s - “ Dimitri hesitated, “Ah, Ingrid’s?”

“Ingrid’s.” Sylvain repeated and Felix didn’t miss the slight redness in Sylvain’s face. “We’re _friends_.”

Saying Sylvain and Ingrid were _friends_ was kind of like trying to explain linear algebra to a first-year music student. No one seemed to have the energy to do it for long, and by the time you did, the rules had changed. Felix usually settled for “Ask _them_ about it” and made sure to hide his leftovers whenever Ingrid was around.

He liked Ingrid. Ingrid was sharp and unapologetic. But Ingrid also had an eternally empty iron stomach, and a metabolism that defied biology.

“Well, that is good to hear. So - Felix? Where would you like to start?” Dimitri fumbled through his bag. “I had a few ideas last night but I didn’t want to assume a topic without discussing it with you first.”

“I don’t care that much.” Felix lied. “Let’s just work on it inside.”

“Ah, yes, of course.” Dimitri held the door open. “After you two.”

Do-gooder. Schmooze. Definitely untrustworthy.

Behind him, Sylvain had an odd look.

“Hey, Dimitri - have we met before?”

Dimitri tilted his head. “Perhaps? I am not sure. Ingrid did invite me to a get-together a few weeks ago. It’s possible you were there as well.”

“Maybe.” Sylvain winked. “Okay. You two play nicely. I have some aliens to read about.”

Dimitri blinked and turned his attention to Felix, as though waiting for some explanation.

“It’s a sex thing. I think.” Felix shrugged.

“Oh.”

  
  


Dimitri led him to a small, tucked-away corner near the old newspaper depository. It was quiet enough, and the chairs were at least bearable instead of the sinking plush monstrosities that were laid out closer to the normal common area.

Dimitri pulled out a plain notebook and a fountain pen. He looked up to Felix, and then back at the scribbled notes on the corner of the page. “What topics are you interested in?”

“Internet regulations.”

Dimitri didn’t even _flinch_. “Oh. So - privacy? Or accessibility?”

“Something like that.” Felix didn’t have the mind for programming like Annette, but it didn't mean he was stupid. And maybe he was just a little paranoid about third parties seeing his viewing habits. “Too obscure for you?”

“No, it is something I believe is worthy of researching more.” Damn him. “I must admit that I’m not exactly the best when it comes to the subject, but it does seem to have many applications and very little law associated with it.”

“Don’t tell me you’re going to be a lawyer.” Felix rubbed at his temples. But of course he would be - the perfect job for people who _wanted_ to look upstanding.

“I hope to. I want to work with low income individuals. But that is far away from now.”

Felix stared at the other, trying to untangle the view in front of him. He didn’t look like lawyer material, slouched down and holding onto his papers like an eager labrador. He had no doubt Dimitri had the connections to be a lawyer, up in some high rise skyscraper.. He’d have to wear fitted clothing first though.

“Perhaps we can combine the two? Focus on policy questions related to broadband access and consumer privacy rights?” Dimitri looked directly at him with his big blue eyes.

It wasn’t a terrible suggestion, all things considered. “It’s worth a shot.”

Two hours later, Felix returned to his apartment, worn out but oddly motivated. Their collaboration hadn’t been _terrible_ , and Dimitri had spent most of his time sketching out some potential arguments and research points for them to both focus on. All in all, Felix had suffered with worse classmates before. 

He wouldn’t say he _liked_ the guy, but maybe he could _tolerate_ him.

Sylvain was sitting on the sofa when he returned, long legs stretched out over the coffee table. He had his laptop out, squinting close enough that the blue light made his face look ghostly.

Felix heard a very familiar moan come from the machine.

“What the _fuck_?” Felix hissed.

“Oh,” Sylvain looked up. “Hey Felix.”

“Why are you - ?”

“Watching your pornstream?”

“I _don’t_ watch that.” Felix hissed, running over to grab at the laptop. Sylvain artfully dodged his grip and pushed Felix away. “Sylvain…” Felix growled.

And then Sylvain started giggling.

The giggle turned louder, into an outright laugh. Felix turned bright red and tried to remind himself all the very _good, logical_ reasons that it was a crime to murder your roommate in cold blood

“I thought so!” Sylvain crowed, throwing his head back with a laugh. “Oh my Goddess, it _is_!!”

“What?”

“Oh wow. Oh, Felix.” Sylvain leaned forward, laughing so hard tears were prickling at his eyes. “Felix, this is hilarious.”

“ _What, asshole_?!”

Sylvain turned the monitor, showing a close-up of the Blue Lion’s very, _very_ naked backside. Felix glowered and slammed the laptop closed.

Sylvain just laughed harder. “Your favorite Friday night buddy. He’s Dimitri.”


	3. lesson three - carry extra pens

Felix considered himself a rational person. He may have been a (slight) crybaby as a child but he’d matured over the years. He’d learned to control his emotions better than most.

“Ow! Felix!”

He was not smothering his roommate and longtime friend with a pillow. Because it was not a pillow and Sylvain was not currently counting as a _friend_.

Sylvain flailed around, laughing loudly as Felix grew hotter and angrier and wrestled with him on the beaten-up sofa. For as strong and nimble as Felix tried to be, it was impossible to get around how _long_ Sylvan’s limbs were. It was a losing battle from the start.

“What the _fuck_ Sylvain?!” Felix hissed, finally giving up as Sylvain pushed him onto the edge of the sofa and kept him there with his socked feet. 

“Oh come on. You couldn’t tell? Sylvain sighed, still fighting back a few snickers. “You look at that ass _every week_.”

Felix was going to die. He was absolutely going to die. But maybe he could take Sylvain down with him. “I do n - “

“Okay, okay.” Sylvain held his hands up, switching to a more placating tone. “They have the same gait. You should really do more people watching Felix. You’d be surprised what you’d notice.”

“That’s - “ Felix fumbled for an argument as he stared at the laptop a few feet away on the carpet. Somehow, it had survived the tussle without a scratch. “Dimitri’s blonde.”

“Then he’s wearing a wig. Easy. People wear wigs.”

“He’s a _yuppie_.” 

“Porn stars have lives too, Felix.” Sylvain had the ‘I’m explaining things to a five year old’ voice. Felix considered kicking him again.

“Dimitri’s not sexy. At all.” He oozed next-door boy scout. Absolutely no way was the guy who answered things like he was from the 1950s also spending his Friday nights telling hundreds of people just how good of a dicking he’d get if they were only with him.

“I don’t know. He looked fine to me. You should get to know him better.” Sylvain winked. “Maybe live out that little fantasy you have of - ow! Okay,yeah, I deserved that one.”

Felix locked himself in his room.

He did not think about what Dimitri did or did not look like under those stupid hoodies.

Felix had an email waiting in his inbox first thing in the morning.

He clutched at his toast as he muzzily read through it.

_12:30 PM_

_Thank you for meeting me. Attached are some notes and a summary of the outline. I look forward to doing additional work on this. Would you like to meet me later tonight to follow up?_

_Best regards,_

_Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd_

Who _wrote_ like that?

_7:42 AM_

_meet where_

_7:53_

_Good morning!_

_Do you have a preference? I usually do my homework at a friend’s diner. We could meet around 7:00 PM._

_Best regards,_

_Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd_

_8:05_

_is it a coffee shop?_

_8:12_ _  
_ _Good morning!_

_I don’t believe so. They do have coffee if you would like some._

_Best regards,_

_Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd_

_8:17_

_send me the address. i’ll show up at 7:30_

  
  


The diner was a small retrofitted sandwich place. There were picnic benches outside and long wooden bars built all along the walls on the inside with tall barstools tucked beneath. Ratty leather furniture littered the central area, and several students looked to be in various states of sleepy as they typed quietly on their laptops. Felix could see the skeletal remains of what looked to be some kind of old bookstore, with shelves still lining the walls and a few newspapers spread around to make it look less empty.

“Good evening.” Dimitri smiled as Felix surveyed the interior. “How did your classes go?”

“Thrilling.” Felix read the menu options. Someone had written them neatly in chalk, along with a drink menu that consisted of water, sodas, and a few tea options. Coffee took up only one line. 

“I hope this is acceptable. I know the owners so I try to patronize as much as I can.”

Did anyone use patronize in normal conversation?

Felix ordered a simple BLT with avocado. Dimitri was busy chatting with a tall man with white hair which, whatever. Felix didn’t care.

He’d never seen the guy smile like that in class.

Felix settled down near a big table. Dimitri followed, already rustling through his bag to pull out a huge notebook tucked inside an expanding file.

“I thought perhaps we could just start outlining a thesis and going from there. It seems like we’re given a great deal of freedom but it’s your grade as well as mine.”

Dimitri babbled.

The Blue Lion was always charming and his voice was low and husky.

“Oh no, my pencil…”

The Blue Lion also didn’t clumsily break his pencil from pure excitement.

(Okay. Felix had never _seen_ his mysterious masturbatory fantasy hold a pencil. But he would definitely not break pencils.)

“Just use my pen.” Felix handed Dimitri a plain black ballpoint. 

Okay. Dimitri’s smile was… fine.

“Thank you.”

“It’s just a pen.” And a cheap one at that.

“Still. You did not have to.”

Their food came over on small, plain plates. Felix grimaced at the cheesy monstrosity that Dimitri had ordered. Grilled cheese should _not_ be that… melty. And cheesy. And was there ham in the middle?

Whatever. Anyone that huddled in hoodies all day probably did have a garbage diet.

“I swim in the afternoon so by this point I am usually starving.” Dimitri politely unfolded his napkin and placed it in his lap. “I hope you enjoy it.”

_11:42_

_Good evening, Felix._

_I wanted to thank you again for meeting me tonight. I really do believe we’re making great strides. The points you brought up had me thinking tonight so I wanted to bring up some questions for your consideration. We can discuss them after class or later in the evening again._

_Best regards,_

_Dimitri_

_12:05_

_why are you doing this at midnight_

_12:17_

_Good evening._

_I apologize. I had not intended to keep you awake. I often find I can think the best at night. I will be asleep soon! Please respond only when it is convenient for you._

_Best regards,_

_Dimitri_

_12:37_

_go to bed. our class is 8AM._

_12:40_

_can we meet friday night_

_6:48_

_Good morning Felix._

_Thank you for your concern last night. I usually do not feel tired until late but I assure you I do sleep eventually._

_My deepest apologies. Friday night is reserved for dinner with my family, and I am expected to attend. I am available early on Saturdays however, and all day Sunday. I really am enjoying this project and it provides a unique opportunity for many reasons._

_I will see you in class soon. Please let me know if I can pick you up anything on my way in. I walk by three breakfast stops from my apartment._

_Kind regards,_

_Dimitri_

“He isn’t the Blue Lion. He eats with his family on Friday night.” Felix announced to one too-chipper Sylvain. Ingrid was sitting at the kitchen table, tearing through a bacon, egg, and cheese with way too much zeal.

At least Felix hadn’t heard anything last night. Small mercies.

“That’s called a lie, Felix.” Sylvain retorted.

Stupid. Dimitri wasn’t capable of lying.

“What’s going on?” Ingrid asked, looking curiously at Felix as he grabbed his bag and went to the door.

“Felix is dating a porn star.”

“He’s not a porn star.” Felix sniped as he opened the door to exit.

Two seconds later, he opened it again to glower at them both.

“And we’re _not dating_!”


	4. lesson four - tell your roommate if you're out too late

Class first thing in the morning always left Felix a little agitated. He’d always been an early riser and even now, he’d usually wake up early enough for a shower and an actual breakfast with fruits and bacon well before he’d caught the first bus and arrived at his desk in the back of the small blue classroom. But he was still not quite ready to be around so many people at once.

Dimitrii was already there though, notebook at the ready and in full Teacher’s Pet mode. Today he was wearing a deep blue crewneck sweater with some unfamiliar logo trailing down the sleeve.

What _did_ he look like under the layers? He was tall like Sylvain, but Sylvain was also a rake with long limbs. And Dimitri’s legs were long, but not bandy and okay, maybe he did fill out his jeans a little more if Felix _really_ looked. But that didn’t _have_ to mean anything special. And maybe his lips were – they were _fine_ , and Felix could imagine them wrapped around his cock, and Dimitri would probably have the most pretty flush like some super-virgin boy scout and his hair may not be perfect but he could imagine his fingers tangled in it, ruining it –

 _WHACK_.

Everyone laughed as Felix half-jumped in his seat. In front of him, Professor Casagranda was casually tapping her ruler against her hand as she glowered down at Felix.

“Now if you’d like to join us again, dreamy-boy, we were talking about national versus local policies. Or is that just too boring compared to whatever has you so starry-eyed?”

Felix was all set to curse but then Dimitri raised his hand. “May I ask a question, Professor?”

“Well, at least someone’s listening to me.” The students still chuckled but at least Felix was no longer the center of attention.

“Here.”

Dimitri blinked and looked down at a small slip of paper in Felix’s hand. He took it gently and held the scrap up, his eyebrows furrowing together as he flipped it around. The rest of their classmates had already headed for the exits. Professor included.

Goddess. It wasn’t _that_ complicated. “It’s my phone number. So you stop sending those emails.”

“Your number is 555-FLIX?” Dimitri questioned.

“My brother’s an asshole.” 

“Oh, no, I didn’t mean that as an offense. It’s - it’s cute, really. You could pretend to be a movie chain.”

What.

“Sorry. I’ve made it worse, haven’t I?” Dimitri smiled and Felix’s stomach did strange things. That was absolutely _not_ a sexy smile, or the absolutely perfect one that the Blue Lion had. It looked kind of goofy.

“Just let me know when you want to meet up again. I don’t have anything going on most nights. Except Friday. I,” Felix fumbled, “TV show. I watch a TV show.”

“Anything I might have heard about?”

Felix’s brain was empty of everything except a gleaming cock and pectorals blessed by the Saints themselves. “The one with the lawyers.”

“Ah. Yes. That one.” Dimitri sounded unsure. “But you asked me what my plans were on Friday?”

“Just call me.” Felix huffed and gripped his bag over his shoulder as he made a hasty exit.

_3:28 PM_ _  
_ _804-555-0621 - Good afternoon. Would you like to work together on Tuesday afternoon?_

 _3:43_ _  
_ _F - where_ _  
_ _  
_ _3:44_ _  
_ _F - it would have to be after 6_

 _3:49_ _  
_ _Dimitri - Would my apartment be acceptable? I do not wish to make you uncomfortable_ _  
_ _  
_ _3:50_ _  
_ _Dimitri - But my roommate did ask me to stay nearby as someone is supposed to come in and repair her washing machine that evening._

 _3:58_ _  
_ _F - you live with a girl_

_4:02  
_ _Dimitri - Is that unusual?_

_4:05  
_ _F - it’s fine_

_4:07_ _  
_ _F - is she your girlfriend_

_4:11  
_ _Dimitri - No. She has one._

_4:15  
_ _F - what_

_4:17_ _  
_ _Dimitri - Apologies. Maybe that was impolite to say. See you Tuesday?_

 _4:21_ _  
_ _F - send me the address_

Felix was in one of the nicer apartment complexes outside the university. It was in a peaceful neighborhood with fairly strict party laws (that somehow Sylvain had managed to circumvent at least three times now) and a pretty decent tennis court and swimming pool that Felix would occasionally use late at night when no one else was around and he needed to wind down.

Dimitri had a townhome - some duplex with trees and an actual backyard and a _garage_ , which seemed even more ridiculous the more Felix thought about it 

He checked the address again and hesitated before reaching up to ring the doorbell.

A girl with bright bubblegum-pink hair opened the door. She was wearing a bright neon cutoff shirt and a pair of jean shorts that looked deliberately frayed.

Felix stared.

She stared back.

“Wrong address.” Felix started, taking a hesitant step back.

“Oh. You’re - _oh_.” She smiled, revealing perfect teeth. “You’re Dimitri’s partner!” The girl tossed her head back to look inside the townhouse. “Dimitri! You in there?”

Dimitri appeared behind the girl. He still wore an oversized baggy shirt, but it was the first time Felix remembered seeing him in flannel pants. “Oh. Felix. Welcome.” The blonde opened the door wider and stepped back. “Felix, this is Hilda Valentine Goneril. She’s studying to be a fashion designer.”

Of course she was. Anyone with the middle name Valentine was doomed to fashion or possibly a mob boss. And judging by the speculative way that Hilda was watching him, Felix wasn’t certain she wasn’t planning to be both.

“Well, I’m going to go make sure Lorenz’s poetry jam hasn’t crashed and burned. You two play nice, all right?” Hilda gave a flippant wave as she skipped down the steps. “Don’t forget to take your medication Dimitri.”

Dimitri gave a hesitant wave. “Thank you Hilda. Have a good time.”

The townhouse was.. Nice. Cleanly furnished with some kind of beach theme that involved blues and soft browns and seashells. It smelled like potpourri and Felix was unsurprised to see small jars set carefully around the perimeter.

“I usually let Hilda decorate everything. She has an eye for such things.” Dimitri walked over to a small kitchen area in the back of the open space. “Would you like something to drink? We have Gatorade, water, and some kind of fizzy soda. I don’t believe Hilda would be upset if I only took one.”

“Water’s fine.” Felix settled into a huge plush sofa covered in blue velour. “How’d you end up with her anyway?” It was still hard to believe Dimitri lived with a woman. He was so straight-laced and proper. 

Wasn’t he?

“It just worked out that way. Although I am grateful. She’s actually fairly organized when she feels determined to be so.” Dimitri brought over two glasses of water with gratuitous ice. He set them on wave-patterned coasters on the small coffee table. “So I read over your additions and they’re quite good. I think we have enough for a first draft if you’d like?”

“They’re just arguments I threw together. They aren’t - “ Felix stuttered, suddenly feeling weirdly warm. “They aren’t _that_ good.”

“But you are clearly passionate about the subject. I’m certain you would be able to debate it inside and out if given the chance.” Dimitri spread out his notes and pulled out a thin silver laptop. “If I can make the initial argument, you can defend it. I struggle often with the more confrontational aspects of hypothetical policy-making.”

“Why?” Dimitri was, well, he was a yuppie but he wasn’t _dumb_. He was far more articulate than Felix’s biting tongue at least.

“It sounds silly.” Dimitri gave one of his half-smiles. “But I truly believe we should listen to everyone, even if we disagree strongly with them. That is often in direct contradiction to defending an argument, I suppose. And it is something that I must overcome if I do become a lawyer.”

“It’s not silly.” Too nice, maybe. Way too nice. And genuine, and that only made Felix more confused. “You’re doing yourself a disservice, Dimitri.”

Dimitri looked at him with those stupidly big blue eyes. Felix glanced away and thought about something else. Anything else. His first date, when their restaurant table had caught fire because of a too-low candle. His second date when a firework landed in a patch of dried bushes. Professor Casaganda dating his father and _marrying_ his father.

No. No. Too far. Ugh. _Shit_.

“Felix? Are you all right?”

“The paper. Let’s get started on it.”

The Blue Lion was on top of him, languidly pressing their bodies together. He was glowing, covered in sweat and framed by moonlight. Even the mask seemed to be ethereal, framed against his dark hair.

“Let me pleasure you.” The Lion purred, rubbing their hips together. “How long I’ve waited for you. Longed to feel your pretty cock.”

Felix was pinned by that gaze. By those solid arms around him, the long fingers that traced all along his stomach and lower, pressing reverently against Felix’s thighs. Felix ran his own hands along his mysterious lover’s chest, utterly fascinated by the solid muscle and the dusky nipples that were right _there_ , begging to be touched and played with.

Felix’s lover purred, sliding between his thighs. His tongue darted out, tasting Felix’s tip before his lips moved, hot and wet and swallowing Felix down like a _champ_. Felix wound his fingers through those soft locks, murmuring praises and feeling the soft moans vibrate all around him. He leaned down, lazy, moving his hips in and out, faster..

And then Dimitri looked up at him, blushing so pretty Felix couldn’t help but come at the sight.

Dimitri’s face was covered in Felix’s come. His pink tongue darted out, licking at the whiteness as he smiled, warm and perfect.

“I really do love you, darling.” Dimitri leaned his head against Felix’s thigh. “Felix… love…”

Felix’s eyes jerked open.

He stared up at an unfamiliar ceiling on an unfamiliar sofa that was suddenly way, _way_ too hot.

He was on Dimitri’s sofa.

Because he’d fallen asleep.

At Dimitri’s apartment.

Because they’d talked about things until after midnight.

 _Dammit_.

Weakly, he sat up. There was a very big, very hard problem between his legs that he was trying in vain to clamp down on.

He needed to leave.

Before anyone noticed… anything.

Felix’s phone rattled on the table.

_10:38  
_ _S - Are u coming back?_

_10:41_ _  
_ _S - Are u alive? Felix?_

 _11:01_ _  
_ _S - Fine. I’ll call the cops in the morning._

 _6:11_ _  
_ _S - I’m calling the cops now._

 _6:12_ _  
_ _F - don’t i’m fine_

 _6:13_ _  
_ _S - Thank Goddess._ _  
_ _  
_ _6:13_ _  
_ _S - Wait did u sleep at Dimitri’s?_

 _6:15_ _  
_ _S - Holy shit did u sleep w him?_

 _6:17_ _  
_ _F - no_

_6:20  
_ _S - why not?!!!!!_

_6:22_ _  
_ _F - whatever i’m leaving_

_6:24  
_ _S - FELIX_

_6:25_ _  
_ _S - FIND HIS PORN ROOM FELIX_


	5. lesson five - clear your browser history before lending your laptop to a friend

_7:13_ _  
_ _Dimitri – Good morning!_

 _7:15_ _  
_ _Dimitri - I apologize for not waking you up. I wasn’t sure if you wanted to walk home or not as it was so late. You seemed very tired and I didn’t want anything to happen to you_

 _7:16_ _  
_ _F - i’m fine_

 _7:17_ _  
_ _F - i carry a lot of knives in case i need to cut someone_

 _7:18_ _  
_ _Dimitri - I think you left one here actually._

 _7:19_ _  
_ _Dimitri - It’s a Zoltan crafted one, right?_

 _7:22_ _  
_ _F - you know about zoltan_

 _7:24_ _  
_ _Dimitri - Yes! I have a dagger my father gifted me._

 _7:25_ _  
_ _F - where_

 _7:26_ _  
_ _F - let me see it_

 _7:26_ _  
_ _F - does it have lions or a dragon on the hilt_

 _7:30_ _  
_ _Dimitri - I’m sorry, I have it at home. It has a rearing lion though. The details he manages to put into each piece are quite something, don’t you think?_

 _7:32_ _  
_ _F - my brother dented my sword_ _  
_ _  
_ _7:33_ _  
_ _F - because he’s an asshole_

 _7:35_ _  
_ _Dimitri - But it must be nice to have a brother. I have a stepsister but we’ve only ever met twice._

 _7:37_ _  
_ _F - you’re better off_

 _7:42_ _  
_ _F - what are you doing today_

 _7:48_ _  
_ _Dimitri - I have to do some projects this morning and Hilda requested I pick up some odds and ends from the grocery store. Do you want to meet?_

 _7:53_ _  
_ _F – i got dragged into helping a friend move into a new apartment_

 _7:57_ _  
_ _Dimitri: I haven’t done weight lifting this week. I’d be happy to help._

 _8:01_ _  
_ _F – you weight lift_

 _8:03_ _  
_ _Dimitri: Yes. It helps with swimming. It’s more the routine and the physical exercise than competitive though._

 _8:15_ _  
_ _Dimitri: Felix?_

 _8:20_ _  
_ _F – you can come if you want to_

 _8:21_ _  
_ _F – mercedes makes good blueberry muffins_

 _8:22_ _  
_ _F – annette might drag you into her board games though_

 _8:24_ _  
_ _Dimitri – I enjoy doing things with you. A board game sounds fun. :)_

Felix pressed his forehead against the kitchen table and went through every single curse he’d ever heard.

“Language.” Sylvain chided.

“I really do appreciate all of you helping. I don’t know how Annie and I would have pulled this off otherwise.” Mercedes gave her best, most sunny smile as she held the door open. “Are you sure you can carry that Dimitri?”

“Oh, it’s no problem.” Dimitri carried the thick table in, deftly avoiding hitting anything against the doorframe. “Do you want it in the same spot?”

“If you don’t mind.” Mercedes went over to the kitchen and began unloading a box of plates. “I’m just really impressed that you can lift so much.”

“It’s a family trait.” Dimitri set the table down and took a deep breath. “I believe that’s everything.”

“And it’s not even the afternoon yet. Thanks to both of you. Especially because it looks like it’s going to rain very soon.”

Felix looked up from where he and Annette were programming the television. Dimitri had indeed handled most of the heavy furniture while Felix had taken care of everything fragile. Annette had spent most of the day plugging in electronics and fussing over wires and foot hazards. Over the semesters Felix had known her, Annette had the preternatural ability to find a way to trip over everything, including her own socks. Mercedes had kept them hydrated and coordinated the layout she wanted.

It was a nice enough new apartment. There was a small convenience store close by and on the other side was a little park with plenty of flowers and picnic tables. 

Dimitri sat primly on the couch to watch Felix and Annette work. He was wearing another blue hoodie, and Felix kept noticing the beads of sweat on his temple and the way his hair curled just a little at the ends where it was sticking to his skin.

Not glistening. Dimitri was _not_ glistening.

“So you two are working on a project together?” Annette asked, not even looking up from where she was connecting every input imaginable into the back of the television.

“Oh. Yes. We have to give a presentation in two weeks. But I am certain it will go quite well. Felix is very knowledgeable about the material.” Dimitri beamed.

Ugh. He was doing _that_ again. “I’m not the one doing all the editing and citations. Dimitri’s a walking law firm.” Who could lift an armchair. By himself. 

Not glistening.

“I'm glad you two seem to be hitting it off. Felix has definitely seemed more upbeat recently. Annie and I wondered what was going on.”

Felix groaned. “Don’t you have better things to do than talk about me?”

“I could make some smoothies I suppose. I don’t have a lot in the refrigerator yet but there is enough for that. No sugar, right Felix?”

“Oh! You’re in for the best treat. Mercie puts in this flavoring and, oh, wait, hold on. I think this is it.” Annette sat up and poked at a remote. “There! I think that’s it?”

The television flickered to life, displaying way too many icons and a long message. Annette groaned and slumped back down, cursing as she hit button after button.

Felix gave up and settled on the opposite edge of the couch. He slouched, stretching his arms out. It was nicely quiet, and there wasn’t a Sylvain around to ruin it.

“Okay. Let’s test this. Do either of you want to watch anything?” Annette looked back at Felix and Dimitri, just waiting.

“Felix mentioned a show on Friday nights he is partial to?” Dimitri looked to Felix curiously. “He didn’t give me the title though.”

Fuck.

“That… blue panther thing?” Annette tapped her chin. “I seem to remember a link to it on his laptop.”

Dimitri blinked.

 _Fuck_.

“Annie! Why do you know what Felix watches on Friday!” Mercedes giggled.

He was dead. He was dead and this was hell. If he stepped outside the apartment, there would be flames. And lava. And maybe he was better off running into that lava pit because it would be less painful and - 

“Ah, perhaps I was mistaken?” Dimitri coughed. “Is there a movie that would be acceptable? I haven’t watched anything all semester.”

“Oh! Really? Oh man, there’s this one I’ve seen recently that is about a getaway driver and it’s all set to music. Come to think of it, I don’t think Felix has seen it yet either!” Annette beamed. “Let me just get it set up here.”

“That sounds wonderful, thank you.” Dimitri leaned back, hands still on his thighs.

“Annie, before you start it, would you mind helping me carry these over?” Mercedes held up four glasses and one pitcher full of smoothie.

In retrospect, Felix should have known it would go south. There were too many boxes, and too many hazards, and his life was already doomed.

But, in his defense, he was dying. Or possibly dead already. 

He heard the squawk, saw, in slow motion, Annette flail forward. He saw Dimitri turn to catch her, and somehow, he saw the bright spot of pink as it slopped in an arc….

And landed right on Dimitri's hoodie and face.

(Dimitri was definitely glistening now. With strawberry-cinnamon smoothie mix.)

(Felix kind of wanted to lick it - _shit_.)

“Ohmygosh!!” Annette wailed, held up by one very vexed looking Dimitri. “I am _so_ sorry! Oh, this happens way too much why is there a box of blankets near the couch I - “

“It’s fine. Really. Truly.” Dimitri awkwardly laughed and looked to Felix, as though unsure of what to say. “It is one way to cool off, I suppose?”

“Oh no.” Mercedes gently hustled over with a towel. “We need to get that in the laundry immediately or else it will stain. Annette, can you get more towels?”

Determined, Annette righted herself and took a deep breath. “Right. Don’t worry. I’m a master at cleaning up my own messes!”

“Felix, can you run and get him something to change into?”

“It’s really not necessary, really. I can just - “ Dimitri fumbled, wiping more of the smoothie off his face.

“I need air anyway.” Felix ran out and prayed to Sothis that there was indeed a lava pit somewhere along the way.

Felix returned, clutching a small white bag from the nearby store in his hand. Annette had cleaned up almost all of the mess and the apartment smelled like warm muffins.

“I finally talked him into using the shower - just to clean up. He should be out shortly.” Mercedes glanced up with a warm smile. “I’m sure he’ll appreciate something clean.”

“It’s pretty terrible.” It was a small store after all, and the only clothing was more stupid licensed tie-dye college gear and a few t-shirts with pity sayings. Definitely nothing that Felix could ever see someone as earnest and vanilla as Dimitri in.

“I don’t think he’ll mind.” Mercedes tilted her head towards the small hallway leading deeper into the apartment. “He’s a very kind person, isn’t he? I think you two will be good together.”

Felix grimaced. “We’re partners. On a project.” Goddess, why were his friends so difficult?

Mercedes just hummed. Felix bristled and tried to get his calm back. It was fine. Everything was fine. He had no dignity left apparently, but that was what happened when you shared an apartment with Sylvain and your other friends had it out for you or whatever was going on.

Felix knocked - loudly - on the door of the bathroom.

“I’m almost done.” Dimitri answered on the other side.

“Here.” Dimitri was on the other side, shirtless (maybe), wet (not glistening), or something. It was fine. He was probably an utter string bean like Sylvain was and the whole lifting entire pieces of furniture without the slightest bit of stress was inexplicable genetics.

The door cracked open, just slightly, and Dimitri's hand and bare arm (bare!!) darted out briefly before the door closed. “Just a moment, thank you.”

Felix sniffed.

The door opened and Felix’s brain short-circuited.

Dimitri stood there hair still damp even though he’d tried - unsuccessfully - to towel dry it and had just made it more tousled. He was clean, and - and - 

“It’s a little tight, isn’t it?” Dimitri awkwardly pulled on the sleeves. It was a plain black shirt with some kind of cartoon on the chest pocket and yes, it was tight but that was because Dimitri was - 

“Felix?” Dimitri’s stupidly blue eyes glanced at him, then back down at the clean t-shirt. “Is it that bad?”

“You’re not a string bean.”

“I’m sorry?”

“You,” Felix’s tongue fumbled around in his mouth and he had to clamp his teeth tightly shut so he didn’t do something utterly stupid. “Why do you wear hoodies when you - hot. You get hot.”

“Oh.” Dimitri moved his hand through his hair, hesitating. “Habit, I suppose. I wore them a lot during my gap year and it just felt comfortable. Do I look that absurd?”

“What? No. You’re - “ Felix huffed and crossed his arms. “You’re fine. Normal. You’re - normal.” Totally normal. Those were normal arms and a normal chest and normal pecs and normal nipples poking out despite the fabric and Felix was not having a crisis because Felix Hugo Fraldarius was crisis-free.

Dimitri smiled. “Thank you.”

Felix was going to explode. “There’s a movie. Annette’s going to ask you to start playing Zombies and Knights if you aren’t careful.”

“Oh. How do you play it?” Dimitri followed Felix as he started back towards the living room.

“Don’t ask.”

(He did ask.)

(Felix sort of drifted off in the 8th round and after his third unsweet muffin.)

 _8:45 PM_ _  
_ _S - Cute picture of you and your boyfriend. Way to go Felix!_

 _8:55_ _  
_ _F - mercedes_

 _8:57_ _  
_ _M - :)_

 _9:01_ _  
_ _F - i hate all of you_

 _9:03_ _  
_ _A - To be fair, you’re the one that used him as a pillow. And you missed out on me trying to teach him Dungeons and Dragons!_

 _9:07_ _  
_ _M - You can teach him the next time Felix brings him by, Annie._

 _9:10_ _  
_ _F - no_

 _9:11_ _  
_ _F - i hate all of you_

 _9:13_ _  
_ _F - i hope your television short circuits_

The Lion was prompt as always. The setup was a little different, with a different source of lighting and a thin rail placed artfully behind the chair.

He was wearing clothes tonight. A thin pair of short shorts that hugged his ass, and a too-tight shirt that he kept toying with the hem. Shy, almost, and Felix’s mouth kept watering as his favorite brunette’s long fingers kept moving against the hem to reveal a little patch of skin.

“I’ve thought about you all day.” Felix’s host purred, slowly slipping the shorts down, down, revealing that perfect ass. “How nice it would be to let you use me like you want to.”

He’d never stripped before. It was weird, but it felt oddly vulnerable. Felix leaned forward, taking in the little hint of the cleft of his ass, of the way one finger slid between, disappearing, and the shiny hint of lubrication.

“I prepared myself already for you.” The Lion breathed, soft, dizzy, slid the shorts off to give a better view of his perfect thighs. “Just for you. You always act so cold, but you’d be so warm inside me, wouldn’t you?”

His dick was rock-hard. Felix’s fingers fumbled to release himself and he bit back a little growl as he thought of that nice, pretty pink hole. His host turned, shyly moving his fingers up, up, revealing more of his belly and chest..

Felix choked as he noticed a design on the pocket. It wasn’t. It couldn’t be. He leaned closer, closer…

“This is a dumb movie.” Ingrid chewed on a piece of popcorn and rolled her eyes. “Who would write this?”

“They’re all dumb movies.” Sylvain rubbed his fingers idly against Ingrid’s back and snickered as her expression grew more dour. “You don’t watch B-movies because they’re _good_.”

“I don’t - “

**“FUCK!”**

There was a loud, painful crash.

The lights flickered and everything went dark.

“Felix?” Sylvain called, only a _little_ worried.

There was a long, long string of loud curses.

“ _Language, Felix_.” Ingrid and Sylvain said in unison.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IN THIS HOUSE WE HAVE NO DIGNITY  
> OR POWER


	6. lesson six - stay calm and rehearse what you want to say

_7:14_ _  
__Dimitri – Did you enjoy the show last night?_

 _7:19_ _  
__F – what_

 _7:20_ _  
__F - fuck fuck it’s not_

 _7:20_ _  
__Dimitri - The lawyer show you enjoy. How was it?_

 _7:22_ _  
__F - oh_

 _7:24_ _  
__F- it was a rerun_

 _7:25_ _  
__F – sorry I meant to send that to sylvain_

 _7:26_ _  
__F- what about your family thing_

 _7:30_ _  
__Dimitri – Exhausting. But my father was able to converse very briefly. I forgot how much I missed that._

 _7:32_ _  
__F – you don’t get to see your dad often_

 _7:35_ _  
__Dimitri – Not at all. He’s in politics and he rarely comes home._

 _7:37_ _  
__F – same with my old man_

 _7:39_ _  
__F- he’s dating someone half his age_

 _7:41_ _  
__F – he’s embarrassing_

 _7:45_ _  
__Dimitri – But you miss him?_

 _7:46_ _  
__F - sometimes_

 _7:47_ _  
__F – they have pet names for each other_

 _7:49_ _  
__Dimitri: That sounds very sweet! What’s wrong with a pet name?_

 _7:51_ _  
__F – whatever_

 _7:53_ _  
__Dimitri - Felix, I am not entirely sure how to phrase this so I apologize in advance._

 _7:55_ _  
__Dimitri - But I truly have enjoyed spending time with you, even outside of this project. You’re so independent and passionate._

 _7:58_ _  
__Dimitri - If there is something you wish to ask me, know that I’m willing to share. I do not wish to make you uncomfortable, if I am wrong of course._

 _8:15_ _  
__Dimitri - Felix?_

 _8:18_ _  
__F - did u know u can’t play dominoes on sunday in alabama_

 _8:20_ _  
__Dimitri - It is a very strange law, isn’t it?_

Sunday was hell. Pure, unadulterated hell. They were putting the finishing touches on their final paper which mostly was Felix repeating each and every line of argument and Dimitri citing each and every case law without looking it up. Hilda was gone, claiming she was helping out at an animal shelter with her BFF or something, and Dimitri’s townhome felt too painfully _small_ for the both of them.

Felix couldn’t keep his mind on track. His eyes kept darting down to Dimitri’s jeans and the pretty, _way too big_ cock that was there. He kept thinking of a gleaning bare chest, and the little treasure trail right around the flat stomach.

And Dimitri, for some Goddess-damned reason, was wearing a plain henley that did nothing whatsoever to hide his bulk beyond covering a little of his tapered waist.

“Are you all right? You seem distracted today.” Dimitri finally asked, looking at Felix with genuine concern.

“Just some coc - “ dammit “ - conclusions to fix.” Felix’s brain howled. “I’m tired.”

“We can take a break if you want.” Dimitri leaned back, awkwardly tugging at the sleeve of his shirt. “We still have a week to fine-tune.”

A week.

Felix wasn’t certain he’d survive another _day_.

He knew what Dimitri looked like. What he _sounded_ like. He knew how his tongue looked, wrapping around a plastic toy and he knew that dopey look he got whenever he was around people and - 

“Would you like to go get some lunch? Ashe and Dedue have - “

“Who _are_ you?!” Felix blurted out.

Dimitri binked.

“You’re all - you act like some b _oy scout._ You say please and thank you. You don’t complain. At all. It’s _freaky_.”

“I’m so - “

“Why are you _sorry_ ?” Felix’s head spun. “ _I’m_ the asshole here!” He stood up, grimacing as he rubbed at his temples. “I - you said you’d be honest with me, right?” How did you even _ask_ this? ‘Do you take plastic dicks on the weekend for fun and profit and were you talking to me like I was supposed to be bending you over myself?’

“Of course I will.” Dimitri curled his fingers around his knees, waiting, entirely attentive.

“Which one is the real you? The one now or - the… the one on Fridays? That does… stuff.” Felix knew he was red. He knew he’d screwed up. This had to be the end of it. You didn’t just _meet_ the guy you’d watched come in various new and interesting ways for months and you definitely didn’t get along with him and there was no way in hell anyone would be doing _normal things_ like working on projects in someone’s living room with them because that wasn’t how life worked. Or porn. Or Felix. Felix definitely didn’t work like that.

“They’re both me?” Dimitri took a soft, uneasy breath. “I am - that is to say - “

“I have to get some air.” Felix grabbed onto his bag. “See you in class.”

He didn’t look back.

_4:55_ _  
__Dimitri - Is it all right for me to come by and talk?_

_6:20_   
_Dimitri - Felix?_   
  
_6:28_   
_Dimitri - I think you left another knife here._


	7. lesson seven - do not mix wing sauce and mudslides

Felix considered himself fairly self-aware. Maybe not the best at communication given that he was raised by a father that had delivered The Talk by shoving a thick stack of brochures and a bag of condoms into Felix’s laundry basket, and an older brother that thought Professional Trolling was a worthy topic for a master’s thesis. 

But he wasn’t _stupid_. He wasn’t a coward either. Felix was fully aware of his own limitations.

And he was definitely, assuredly, _not_ sulking in his bedroom because he had nothing to sulk about. They hadn’t had a _fight_ , and even if Felix had bailed before Dimitri said anything, well, that was for the best. Dimitri could tell him later, preferably over winter break when they weren’t in the same zip code. When Felix had some perspective and didn’t have to see that not-sexy smile (the left corner of his lip quirked upwards when Dimitri was excited and stayed freakishly even when he was being polite) or smell his not-sexy cologne (plain and some kind of pine).

When he could stuff things back into a box and just not feel so _overwhelmed_.

College wasn’t supposed to be complicated. Survive living with Sylvain. Take an absurd amount of exams. Graduate with his preferred degree. Get a job he didn’t hate and settle into an apartment somewhere and do what he wanted.

“Felix?”

Speak of the devil - 

“I know you’re in there avoiding your problems. But uh, you know you have to come out _eventually_ , right? Like sometime before Monday morning?”

Felix grunted. 

“Mercedes is making pie tonight. _Blackberry_ pie.”

As if that was enough to tempt him to _socialize_ . When Dimitri was out there somewhere, with his arms and his hips and his - his acting all _normal_ and _patient_ and not like some kind of magic gleaming sex god.

“I’m also going to call Glenn.”

Felix jumped off the bed and yanked the door open to glower murderously at his roommate. He stopped, blinking several times.

“Why is your hair green?”

“I,” Sylvain drawled, awkwardly running his hand through his neon green hair, “might have asked Ingrid if she wanted to get engaged?”

Sylvain asking someone to get engaged?

_Sylvain?  
_

“But why is your hair green?” Maybe that was it. Maybe Felix had simply woken up in some parallel universe where Sylvain was actually _respectable_ (and green-haired, for whatever reason) and the guy that had filled every single one of Felix’s dirty fantasies for months now was kind of a dork that held the door open for their _entire_ class.

“It involved mudslides, I think. And Screamin’ Wyvern Hot sauce. It started to get a little fuzzy after we ran into Claude and Ignatz and Ingrid got involved into debating whether painting Seiros in the nude was respectful or some kind of blasphemy that would send us all into the fifth circle of the Eternal Flames.”

“Did she say yes?”

“What?”

“Ingrid. Did she say yes.” Sylvain’s life made the most sense if you tried _not_ to make sense of it. And besides, he was far better off away from that madness. Dimitri was - 

Ugh. _Ugh_. He was not going to think about Dimitri. Whoever Dimitri really was. Dimitri made his head hurt.

“See, here’s the thing. Ingrid got an internship opportunity. A really, _really_ good one.” Sylvain grinned, lopsided. The one he used when he was about to say something stupid. “But it’s across the country. The whole reason we went out was because she didn’t know what to do about it.”

Felix could almost tell where the conversation was going. And that his IQ was going to drop by even _asking_. “You did something stupid, didn’t you.”

“Yeah. I think I did. I wanted her to stay, obviously, but, she shouldn’t be giving up something so good because of me, you know? I’m no good. So I might have bungled the whole thing.”

Felix groaned.

The thing with Sylvain was - he wasn’t stupid. Felix remembered all too well how he’d slept through Calculus 101 and gotten a perfect 72 every time. Not because he wasn’t trying. That was the most ridiculous part. Because he was _aiming_ to get that 72. Perfectly, mathematically, impossibly _mediocre_. Felix had been even more incensed when he’d realized what was going on and in retrospect, their fight was probably the entire reason Sylvain actually had decent grades after that semester. 

But Sylvain still did it. He undercut himself. He ran away.

He didn’t _try_.

“Oh no.” Felix whacked his forehead against his door as the horrible, awful realization set in. “Dammit.”

“You’ve had one of your little Felix revelations, haven’t you?” Sylvain reached out, gently patting Felix’s shoulder. “It’s okay. I won’t judge. Well, I probably will, but in a good way.”

“He’s not - I’m not. I don’t _get_ him.” Felix mumbled, not looking up. He didn’t need any more crises of any sort. “He’s not sexy. He’s _not_.”

“Felix, I can _hear_ you at night. I know that’s a lie.” Sylvain shook his head. “Maybe the problem isn’t him? Seems to me that you liked the harmless fantasy that didn’t have to mean anything, but now that it might actually _lead_ somewhere, you’re getting cold feet.”

Sylvain would be terrifying if he ever actually applied himself. Felix sort of hated him sometimes.

“Anyway. All I’m saying is that there’s at least a couple thousand other guys who would _love_ to be where you are right now. And trust me, you are _way_ nicer when he’s around so you’d be doing all of us a favor if you could just sort this out.”

“I don’t even know how you _know_ all this.”

“It involves a bulletin board, a lot of photographs, and string.” Sylvain stretched, running his hand through his garish hair. “Also? You probably want to talk to Dimitri _before_ Hilda finds you. She may have broken someone’s hand during the arm wrestling tournament.”

“I’ll talk to him in class.” After - after he figured out what to say.

After he didn’t feel like such a dick.

_11:23PM_ _  
_ _F - sorry_

 _11:35PM_ _  
_ _F - i screwed up_

 _7:01 AM_ _  
_ _Dimitri - I’m terribly sorry. I’m tired today. It may not be the best time to talk._

Dimitri was not in class after all.


	8. lesson eight- communicate clearly and openly

_2:54 PM_   
_F - sorry sylvain’s a moron_

_2:56_   
_I - He proposed with an onion ring._

_2:30_   
_F - moron_

_3:02_   
_I - No. I actually thought it was cute._

_3:04_   
_I - He proposed because he thought I could use his money for my internship._

_3:06_   
_F - what_

_3:08_   
_I - I don’t want his money. Sylvain doesn’t even want his own money._

_3:10_   
_I - Just once would it kill a guy to be honest?_

HIlda opened the front door before Felix could knock.

He stared, fist awkwardly raised and his other hand holding tightly to a tupperware container. She was wearing a black tank top covered in blue roses and Felix was suddenly aware that yes, her arms were very, very muscular.

“I was wondering when you’d come by.” Her hand was balled into a fist. Felix stared at it, watching nervously as whatever she was holding made a painful-sounding _crack_.

“Walnuts.” She opened her palm and the remains of the outer shell scattered weakly along the front step. “For Marianne’s brownies.”

“Oh.” Felix’s stomach twisted. “That’s nice.”

“It’s kind of a pain really.” She smiled, and somehow, it was the most terrifying thing Felix had seen in his entire college life. “Dimitri’s had a hard week so far, so you’re going to make him feel better, _right?_ ”

Felix felt, somehow, like he was staring down a dangerous predator. “I brought pie.”

She hummed and stepped away from the door. “He’s downstairs. Second door. Tell him to keep an eye on the washing machine, all right?” She cracked another nut and Felix felt the sound deep in his bones.

Felix stared at the door. He - he could do this. He _should_ do this. His grade depended on it. And he did not want to take a class with Professor Casagranda ever again. And Dimitri was - he was a good guy. Kind of weird. Maybe a liar. He made a decent pillow. And he had a bad sense of humor.

Right.

The pie.

Felix steeled himself and knocked.

Slowly, hesitantly, Dimitri opened the door. He was slightly pale and had an unusually severe case of bedhead “Felix?”

“I brought pie.” Ugh. Felix was so stupid. “From Mercedes.”

“Oh. Thank you.” Dimitri clumsily opened the door. “Please come in?”

Felix stepped inside.

It wasn’t a bedroom. But it was familiar. Light blue drapes were spread out along the wall and he could see several lamps standing in odd positions. There was a chair right where he expected it to be and a few other pieces of furniture set neatly against the left wall along with a tiny two-seat couch.

“It looks different online.” Felix stated, unmoving. In front of him, Dimitri stood very still, anxiously dipping his hands inside the pocket of his too-large hoodie. “It’s more,“ Felix fumbled to think up the right word, “spacey.”

“You - “ Dimitri started, glancing downwards. “That is - “

“I liked when you used the vibrator that one time.” Felix cut him off. “And the popsicles.”

Dimitri’s whole body just _relaxed_ , and the tiny, uneasy smile that worked its way on his face made Felix’s brain short-circuit. “Yes. It is one of my favorites. I am not as fond of the popsicles though.”

Felix’s heart thumped. “Did you know? That I - “

“No. I ,” Dimitri fidgeted again, removing his hand to brush a stray strand of hair away from his eyes. “I _hoped_ I was right. But I was concerned if I was wrong you would think less of me. Much less.” Dimitri glanced towards the wall. “Would you like to sit down?”

Felix took unsteady steps over to the small couch. He collapsed into it, slumping back as Dimitri knelt down to sit on the floor. Even then, he still was at the right height to be eye-level and now, with the only noise the steady churn of a washing machine upstairs, Felix was starting to think Hilda was the _second_ most terrifying thing of his entire college career.

“It is a very intimate thing, admitting that I - I put on a show, I suppose.” Dimitri’s hand went to Felix’s knee. Felix was certain hands should not be that hot. "I know that people watch me, but they are just names. And they are not - “

“It doesn’t bother me.” Felix stated because that seemed the easiest thing to do. “But you’re so - “Sexy? Confident? “Why do you hide yourself when you’re - _him_? You?”

Dimitri looked downwards. “I don’t.”

“You’re wearing a hoodie. When you have - you have hips. And a chest. It’s not the worst chest I’ve ever seen. Your shoulder makes a decent pillow.” 

“And my cock?”

Felix turned bright red.

“Sorry.” Dimitri covered his mouth with a tiny, polite chuckle. “You’re charming when you blush.” He squeezed Felix’s knee and his thumb rubbed against the skin in a way that was entirely too pleasant. “I was not trying to avoid you the other day. I really was tired. Do you remember me saying that my father is in politics?”

“Yeah.” Politics was fine. He could _think_ about politics without thinking about the warmth that kept pooling in his gut. Dimitri didn’t need to know that he was a _little_ hard at the moment. “Are you doing this to piss him off?”

“No. Not him. _Never_ my father. The rest of my family, perhaps. A few years ago I had a rather severe nervous breakdown.” Dimitri paused in his ministrations to breathe. “I am better now. _Much_ better. But at the time, I was under a great deal of stress and did not have a way to express it in a healthy manner.. Fantasizing, pretending that I am _desirable_ and,” this time Dimitri went bright red, “well, slutty, feels like I am reclaiming a piece of me that I had lost. That I was not allowed to _be_ given my situation.”

“You only _think_ you’re desirable? Goddess, do you hear yourself?” Felix reached down to curl his fingers around Dimitri’s wrist. “You’re unreal. Not - not in a bad way.” Felix caught himself. He would not be proposing to Dimitri with _onion rings_ like some other moron. “You said they’re both you, right? _This_ you is attractive if you’d just stop putting on those stupid sweaters.”

Dimitri blinked up at him and there it was. That goofy smile that was not sexy but made Felix feel warm and stupid all the same. “That means a great deal, coming from you.”

“And not just your arms. You’re - you’re good. I bet you donate that cam money to charity.” Felix scoffed.

“Well.” Dimitri coughed awkwardly. “You see - “

Wait. “You _do_ donate it to charity?”

“Oh, no. Well, yes, in a sense. Please do not tell Ashe or some of my other friends where the money for their textbooks come from. I do not think Dedue would mind, but Ashe may be rather scandalized.”

Felix poked him. And then poked him again. He reached up, hesitantly pulling at a strand of golden-blonde hair just in case.

“Felix?”

“Just making sure you’re real.” The Felix-in-hell theory was still possible. As was the parallel world Felix one. Either way, Felix was starting to think this particular reality was not so bad to be inside.

Dimitri smiled. His hand drifted to Felix’s thigh as he leaned forward, right between Felix’s legs, and Felix’s heart thudded erratically in his chest. The whole world slowed down as their lips met.

Felix had fantasized about kissing the Blue Lion. Multiple times. In his dreams, it was sexy and perfect and involved lots of hands and a perfect sex god yanking hard on his hair. There may or may not have been music in the background, depending on the day.

In reality, it was kind of dry. Dimitri’s mouth tasted like peanut butter and their teeth kept bumping together. And kind of… wet?

Why did it feel like he was getting rained on?

“Is it raining?” Felix asked in between the soft pops as their lips met.

“I don’t believe so? Why?” Dimitri brushed his fingers along Felix’s jaw. “Is it - ?”

_Plop._

_Plop. Plop. PlopPlop._

_PlopPlopPlopPlopPlopPlopPlopPlopPlopPlop_.

They both looked up at the same time.

“The washer!” Dimitri stood up as a heavy, thick droplet of water hit him square in the nose.

Felix ran behind Dimitri as they rose up the stairs and back towards the laundry room. Dimitri stared - horrified - at the large, soapy puddle that had spread on every inch of the white tile.

“Oh no.” Dimitri moaned. “She tried to do the laundry.”

Felix felt a giddy chuckle escape his throat. Then another. And then he collapsed, laughing against the damp floor.

“Is it that funny?”

“It is.” Felix stopped, just long enough to grin. “It’s a good sign.”

  
  


_Friday - 7:32 PM_  
 _Hi everyone! Sorry, there will be no stream tonight. We had a little technical difficulties because our studio got flooded. But don’t worry! The Blue Lion will be back in two weeks! In the meantime, I’ve been asked to plug a new stream. “The Lavender Rose’s Poetry Hour!” Check it out!_ _  
< 3 <3 <3 Bubblegum Princess <3 <3 <3_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lorenz really does just read hipster poetry. Fully clothed, and with some kind of orchestral music in the background, painstakingly picked to be in time with his iambic pentameter.  
> He does not have many fans but those that watch him are super-fans.


	9. lesson nine - do not be afraid to take risks

_8:23 PM_ _  
_ _S - see nothing caught on fire did it???_

 _8:25_ _  
_ _F - no_

 _8:26_ _  
_ _F - the opposite actually_

 _8:28_ _  
_ _S - your going to have sex at his place though right_

 _8:30_ _  
_ _S - right_ _  
_ _  
_ _8:32_ _  
_ _S - please dont break our electricity again with your awkward foreplay_

 _8:35_ _  
_ _F - maybe we already did_

 _8:38_ _  
_ _S - FELIX NO_

 _8:45_ _  
_ _F - not like you and ingrid haven’t ruined the couch with your grossness_

 _8:48_ _  
_ _S - ITS MY COUCH FELIX_

Felix had been completely, utterly, miserably wrong.

“You’re an asshole.” Felix breathed, hips jerking upwards against nothing. He ached to touch himself, or even better, have a certain _someone else_ touch him, but no. Dimitri was holding onto his hands and was deliberately _not_ doing anything about Felix’s very obvious, very hard crisis.

“You’re so sweet.” Dimitri said, voice low and husky and Felix almost whined. Dimitri gripped Felix’s palm tighter and pressed his lips against his fingers, right where Felix had covered them in pie sauce.

It had made perfect sense in his head. It really had. It made less sense when he was getting the wrong part of his body sucked on in such a slow, deliberate manner.

He was going to die. Not only that, but he was going to die before he got to have his dick swallowed down by his favorite camboy. Felix hated life.

“But this was your idea, wasn’t it?” Dimitri batted his lashes and pressed his teeth oh-so-gently against the pad of Felix’s thumb. “I’m only doing what _you_ wanted.”

Felix had been so, so terribly wrong. Dimitri was not a boy scout. Or sweet. Or polite. And it was a blessing in disguise for him to stick to those awful hoodies because now all Felix could do was stare longingly at those pectorals and not be able to dig his nails in and _feel_ them. He could probably bounce a quarter on them. Did he even have a quarter? Could he bounce it off Dimitir’s ass? Why was he thinking of quarters again?

The bastard looked at him, eyes hidden artfully behind his bangs. Felix poked at him with his knee. Well, he tried to at any rate.

“Are you that impatient? I wanted to celebrate for a little longer.” That was a fake pout and Felix was absolutely not falling for it. He refused to.

“We got an A. Good for us. _Suck my dick for the love of Goddess ._ ” Felix hissed.

Dimitri finally, blessedly, dipped his head down. Felix let out a groan of relief as warm, long fingers encircled him and oh, yeah, that felt _good_.

“Please let me know if I do anything wrong.” Dimitri tucked his hair behind his ear. “Or if you don’t like it.”

“Why wouldn’t - _fuck_ -” Felix jerked, anxiously gripping onto Dimitir’s shoulders. “Sothis. Do that.” 

Dimitri hummed, mouth too full to really give a better answer. His other hand was busy feeling up Feix’s balls and yeah, okay, he was never going to need to think of popsicles again. Not when he had _this_ to imagine.

Dimitri made the tiniest noise as Felix came, pulling away just in time to avoid getting choked. He blinked, awkwardly moving his hand up to where Felix accidentally caught his eye.

“Shit. Fuck.’ Felix flopped back, dazed. “That felt - ”

“Oh. That’s what it’s like.” Dimitri carefully grabbed one edge of the blanket to wipe his face off. “It’s different with another person.”

“What?” Felix was probably supposed to be paying attention. Or being helpful or something. He should probably say something intelligent instead of _definitely better in person I’m fucking ruined for life now you fucker fuck every other moron who thinks they can have_ **_this_**.

“Now, I do believe it’s my turn.” Dimitri loomed over him, pressing a salty-tasting kiss to Felix’s lips. “Ready Felix?”

He was so, so doomed.

Felix was strangely all right with it.

“Felix?” Dimitri paused, languidly running his thumb against Felix’s navel.

“What?”

“I just want to know - how _did_ you manage to drop a knife onto my floor when we are both ah, so undressed?”

_7:30 AM_ _  
_ _Dimitri - Thank you very much for the pie Mercedes._

 _7:32_ _  
_ _Dimitri - It was quite delicious. I’ve never had pie with blackberries before._ _  
_ _  
_ _7:39_ _  
_ _Mercedes - You’re quite welcome. Did Felix like it too?_

 _7:45_ _  
_ _Dimitri - I do believe he did, yes. I will ask him when he wakes up._

 _7:48_ _  
_ _Mercedes - :)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO COMMENTED AND LEFT KUDOS that truly kept me trying to focus on this and make it as OTT as possible. Seriously, it means a lot to know other people enjoyed the terrible adventures of college life.
> 
> If there was ever a sequel, it would involve Felix taking Dimitri with him to save himself from the hot disaster that is Dinner With Rodrigue And His New Girlfriend and Rodrigue starts asking all sorts of questions because he heard Dimitri did a TV show does it involve deep analysis or is it some kind of food vlog. Felix tries to drown himself in steamed broccoli and penne pasta.


End file.
